Taking Time for Time Out
When a toddler reaches the age of two or older and has language skills, you can use disciplinary techniques like time out. In this technique, you tell your errant child that he or she is in time out and has to sit in a certain place for a certain period of time. You use a timer and keep the time-out period short—it’s intended as a cool-down period, not as a punishment. Other, closely related disciplinary techniques are to send your child to stand in the corner, or the well-known “Go to your room!” command.
Making Your Disciplinary Efforts Effective
The key to discipline is to understand why you are using it—because that is the message you’re going to be communicating to your child. You are your child’s universe and your child’s primary teacher. You teach by example and by how you relate to your child. If your discipline is erratic, your child will never understand what brings it on, and thus won’t know what behaviors he or she is expected to change. If you teach your child through intimidation, he may question his worth and how much you actually love him. The child will not get the message that his behavior is something you want to change. He will simply assume there is something about him that you do not like. This is not the message you want to convey unless you want to set aside money for your child’s later therapy.
Love—the Best Behavior Motivator of All
The best gift you can give your child is the knowledge of how much he is loved. You do this through the way you talk to him and the way you employ discipline. There is an expression in the Torah: “When you discipline a child you push away with one hand as you pull closer with the other.” You want to be firm but you never want a child to question whether you love him. This is why it’s important not to discipline out of anger. It is not wrong to show your displeasure with the child as long as you make it clear that you’re objecting to the behavior, and not to the child. Never call your child derogatory names when you are angry about something he has done. We all get frustrated. But you have to bite your tongue before something mean comes out that you will regret later. Your child will internalize whatever you say to him. He is not going to have the ability to evaluate what you say and conclude, “Oh, she didn’t mean it.”
Look for Techniques That Suit You
The many good books on discipline techniques can help you develop your style. Keep in mind the age of your child, your child’s attention span, and whether you’re dealing with an act of defiance or a simple excess of childhood enthusiasm. As your child ages he or she will assert his or her will in more obvious ways—and while you may not like all of these ways, they will not always call for discipline.
Dealing with Dangerous Defiance
Overt defiance in areas that can effect your child’s health and safety, or the comfort and safety of others, must be addressed with discipline and limits of some sort. At other times you may want to consider your child’s reasons and let him flex his muscles. You don’t want complete control over your child. You are looking for authority in your home, and even though you are talking about a small child you ultimately want mutual respect. This is, after all, a person we are talking about here—even if he or she is only two feet tall. You want to give your child room to grow, even in ways that are not the same as the ways you grew. You want to use discipline to help your child achieve that growth, not to kill his spirit.
title: “Disciplining Your Toddler” ShowToc: true date: “2022-11-26” author: “Joan Varin”
Whenever your toddler hurts another child, go to the other child and offer comfort first, even before you discipline your own child. Correcting violence is not simply a matter of disciplining your child and teaching her right from wrong. It also is an opportunity to model empathetic, caring, and compassionate behavior toward others. So make sure that your toddler sees you offering comfort to the victim. In time, she will begin to emulate your behavior. While offering comfort to the injured child, clearly state to your own toddler that hurting another person is not allowed. Show your child the teeth marks or scratches or bruises on the child she victimized. Point out the injured child’s tears and tell your toddler what they mean: that your child hurt the other. Finally, proscribe the specific violent behavior of your child: “No biting—ever!” or “Hitting is never allowed!” While focusing your initial attention on the victimized child, don’t let too much time lapse before disciplining your child. A time-out should be automatic in instances of violent behavior. But if you delay too long before beginning the time-out, your toddler will have a hard time making a connection between the unacceptable behavior and the punishment. During the second half of the third year, or earlier if your child appears ready for it, you may be able to enlist your toddler’s assistance in caring for her victim. Before or after her time-out, your child needs to tell the other toddler, “I’m sorry.” Encourage your child to offer some comfort, too: perhaps by kissing the injured spot or by getting a Band-Aid. Even though your child may not understand every word you say, she will know from your tone and your facial expression that she shouldn’t have done what she did. Speak sharply and sternly, but try to avoid yelling, which will only frighten your child (and also may scare the injured child you’re trying to comfort). After you start yelling at your child, her emotional response to your anger will most likely block out any further message you want to communicate. If a child bites, hits, or kicks you while you are disciplining her, put her in the time-out chair immediately, gently, and firmly. (No matter how tempted you become, don’t throw her down into the chair.) Say, “No kicking!” and start the time-out at once. If you need to get your own anger under control before you can deal fairly with your child’s misbehavior, then walk away for a minute or two.
